It’s been one year since my dad died.
Although anniversaries haven’t touched me much in my life, I am schooled by how important this date of his exit is. In some cultures, they wait one year before certain traditions of release, of honoring. Being part of an unusual family of shattered and made up bonds, without many cultural traditions, I learned to make up my own rituals of importance. I will however pull from my Jewish roots and light a Yahrzeit candle, (which means “soul candle”) and I will sit in circle. I will talk to my father, in that sweet fragile language made up of prayer, imagination, longing, and unresolved conversations. One year of grief has changed me. I am not who I was before he died. I figured that would happen, but there are a few things that I never would have imagined, and I thought I might share them. 13 things I did not expect the first year that my dad died:
Writing has unfolded a powerful tool for me. It has become my tireless witness, my microphone, as I remember and lay down the story of my dad’s passing. The passion my dad had about Death with Dignity was a phenomenal experience, and his journey has inspired my voice to fall from my fingertips.
A lil’ excerpt from my book:
The first two minutes after arriving at their house, my dad got down to business. “Ok,” he whispered, his chest was already becoming paralyzed, which made talking, laughing and breathing extremely challenging.
“Ok . . . I have made some decisions and I want to see what you think about it all.” He explained to me that he had been diagnosed with Lou Gerrig’s disease and that at any time now he might become fully paralyzed. He asked if I knew about assisted suicide in Oregon, and informed me that he would like to die this way. He had no interest whatsoever in becoming paralyzed. Then he waited for my response to see how I felt about this. I was surprised that he didn’t already know that I supported him 100%, but that was the theme in our relationship, kindred souls who didn’t really trust what the other thought. He was relieved when I shared that I absolutely believe in euthanasia and the choice to die how we want. He was concerned that my brother would have some hesitancy because he is a paramedic-fireman, but once again, it was a fear projection. My brother Matt was fully on board.
After that five-minute conversation, he hunkered back in his cozy red velvet chair, piled high with four blankets and a cup of green tea, and began to direct. “There is a lot to do, we need to contact the doctor and the lawyer and the Compassionate Choices advocate.” He described the legal procedure of how to perform assisted suicide: a precise recipe of getting a doctor’s approval, lawyers’ signatures, waiting fifteen days, and getting the doctor’s approval the second time. The laws are set up to check the mental stability of the patient. Compassionate Choices is an Oregon-based group which helps families go through the process; they assign someone to your case similar to hospice.
My father started in with lists of what was left to be done; emails to write, books to order, the fabulous party he was going to throw that would be his last hurrah, AND the details of his moment to die. He had money to donate, organizations to contact, a speech or two to finish, as well as gathering the right people to receive the homework he needed to pass on: his legacy in the gaming world, and the in conflict resolution world – he had his teacher’s assistant to meet with, and books to sign. He had detailed plans for his party: who to invite, what food to have, how he wanted to spend his last few hours alive on this planet. He wanted his writers group to each write a piece to read, he wanted his mime troupe to perform, as well as lots of jokes, (of course he would tell the very last joke!) He wanted people to be able to share from the heart, and a party vibe. Complete with party horns and blow-out whistles, shots of Jamison for everyone while he drank his lethal medicine. He envisioned being with sixty of his closest friends, and that we would all to go back to schmoozing, drinking, even turning up the music to keep on dancing once he was dead!
My father wanted to die in the middle of a rocking party, the grand last show . . . with him as the MC, Star, Director and Producer. I would serve as his stage manager, set designer, DJ and hostess . . . and all of this laid out, in the first half hour after I had arrived.
So 365 days of grief, this first anniversary.
I will light the candle, and I will feel connected with all of the other members in The Dead Parent Club.
I will tell a joke for my dad, and will find a way to laugh real hard, because my Dad wanted everyone to know that death is awesome, that it can be a celebration of life.
And I will crank up the stereo to Papa’s got a brand new bag by James Brown, and remember that last dance with him . . . as we both shook what our Mama gave us!
Tia-Ma.com, my new website is launched, Whoo hooo!
Which means, it is time for a little story telling. The story of “What really happened with Casa Ma?”
SO, here it is….
Casa Ma Holistic Spa and Studios was my version of an elegant collective venue which housed healing, spiritual concerts and holistic health workshops, it was open 1 year. In 2012, I was busy launching dreams; my business, my a marriage to the woman I had been dating for 2 years and of working in partnership with my healing community. And I did launch! I planned my wedding, got married, moved into that victorian building, set up the yoga studio, and filled the house with powerful holistic healers. Then I proceeded to watch my relationship self destruct like a fiery tornado making out with gasoline. All the healers, clients, and amazing space in the world, could not change the fact that Casa Ma had me, at the center of it all, experiencing my own “holistic” nuclear melt down.
It’s been 1 year since I locked the doors to that 3 story Victorian, on University ave. (April 2013). I left promising to turn it quickly into Casa Ma Productions; organizing events and sponsoring healers around town. But really? I couldn’t have guessed the amount of time and nursing it would take for me to find my footing again. I thought it might take a spring break, but here we are, a full year later. In reality, I kissed the dirt. Broken hearted from a failed relationship while trying to run a budding business was a public nightmare. I experienced the loss of my house, my neighborhood, plus a couple of friendships that fully surprised me. My life felt shattered like 1000’s of wine glasses, crashing daily all around me.
Casa Ma = The House of the Mother. The Mothers house of healing held witness to some phenomenal healing; the Maori Shaman, ghost clearings, yoga workshops, enneagram classes, Peter Levitov and Jane Sibery in concert etc. In a healing crisis, there usually is great pressure for a head to burst, and purge. I believe this severe expansion/contraction ended up being a divine healing for me as well. I see now how Casa Ma was in part, a reflection of my unhealed relationship with my Mother and THE MOTHER. And true to the theme of the whole venture, (which was the STAR card in the tarot), I had some deep emotional wounds which needed cleansing.
For a year, I did not sleep. So it came down to a choice, have a nervous breakdown, or retreat. So, I took a break. I closed Casa Ma, and flew to Cancun, then New York, I witnessed Frieda Kahlo paintings face to face in Atlanta, and had a “fear and loathing” type road trip in Idaho. I needed time to address the grief of my relationship, and could not fake being together enough to be owner, organizer, coordinator of such a large project as my business. I truly apologize to those who I let down, as I dreamed big and could not follow through. I was accused of exaggerating and lying because I attempted to create a project and could not deliver. I did break agreements, I dreamed big without the whole plan, without funding, without a board of directors, without a partner, and experiencing severe grief … it is a powerful practice to save soul, while losing face.
Currently I have moved my practice into another downtown Victorian building, along with Susan Marynowski, local master herbalist, and Michelle Gould astrologer extraordinaire, lawyer Kevin Roberston, writer with Arts and Medicine Dylan Kemplner, accountant Lori White, and the whole Liquid Design/ Marketing Mud team which does graphics, marketing and web design, (they created my fabulous new website). I’m thinking maybe one massage therapist in a building might be enough, because I love the diversity of this work community.
I will not be moving forward with Casa Ma Productions. I am no longer “the house”, I am just me. But check out my new website, Tia-Ma.com, for upcoming classes such as: Meditations on the Chakras, Aromatherapy Basics, including a joint class with Michelle Gould: Aromatherapy and Astrology, and by demand a Tarot for Teens class.
The support of my friends around the globe kept me afloat during one of the most trying times of my life. Thank you for your compassion, thank you for holding me. The sour flavor of grief can taint everything at first, but with constant love and listening, I was reminded this was not just failure, this was growth.
In transparency and truth,
It’s not your average sight…. seeing people twisted and contorted, sat on like lazy-boys, kneeled on, walked on and elbowed DEEPLY. Together with my awesome friend, event coordinator and cousin Kylie, this is the 4th time I have helped host Maori healers in my town Gainesville Florida. Last week Atarangi, Bill and Manu whipped out 50 healing’s in a day and a half. Their Elders tell them when it is time to tour, their Elders let them know which country needs healing next.
I want to write and share what is like to be present for all this healing (except of course when I was on frozen yogurt duty).
When folks arrive they bring their towel or sheet, their water bottle and they bring their pain; heart pain, soul pain, body pain. Most folks who make it to these sessions have searched for relief for a while, and are willing to step out of the “normal” idea of healing.
When people walked through my garden gate and they heard bellowing laughter, screams from the people who were on the table before them, and tears of gratitude for the gigantic pain that was just lifted off of them (even those who came in “chronically” affected), I sense strong emotions are a’swirling. I smell fear mixed with hope on the face of a small framed woman burdened with consistent panic attacks, humility mixed with awe from the man who had a broken neck who is ready for anything to help his suffering. Excitement, curiosity, and reverence are layered with varying degrees of surrender and resistance.
The Maori work together, in synchronicity. They believe it is the community that needs healing, and so it is community that gives healing. Often with a quick nod or a slight look, they switch healers, or maybe join each other in a double elbow move up the spine. I have been told that at home, in New Zealand, they set up in a cafeteria, or large hall, children and dogs running freely, half of the community starts on the tables, and when they finish they hop up and trade places with the ones who were just offering.
This year, when the Maori arrived we were gifted with sunny, cool, exquisite October days, and were able to work outside. Three people arrive for their healing at once and my Maori friends begin. The prayers they chant as the bottoms of their feet touch the bottoms of the person receiving feet is powerful, sometimes out loud and sometimes silent as they sit for varying times soul to soul, foot to foot, listening, transmitting, releasing.
The thing that happens next looks like some bizarre mixture of bondage/comedy as the 300 pound Manu sits atop women and men, directly on their sacrum (the base of their spine), grabs his guitar and plays! He belts out love songs and jazz ballads, songs about break ups and hope, all sprinkled with jokes and words of wisdom. Ata lifts legs and shoulders in what appears to be extreme angles, digging her elbows deep into closed muscles, soft bellies, and can crack bones like nothing I have ever seen. Bill, Ata’s husband can kneel into thighs, step on calf muscles and dig through the muscles on the throat all while sweetly calming them down to relax, making people laugh, and of course sing along in harmony with Manu and Ata.
People laugh, cry, and they scream, and I do mean blood curdling screams (I wonder how far my neighbors could hear us?). There is much swearing as people get angry, and convulse, shaking out emotions that got wedged deep into their body long, long ago, and now is exiting. One woman who had her heart and throat deeply cleared said she could taste stale bread; old, crusty, moldy energy that she felt kept her from singing was now out, gone. I once had a session with Ata’s son Terrance, where I imagined it looked as if I was cursing Terrance to the depths of darkness (he was standing full weight on my calf), with me flopping around like a fish out of water, but truth be told, I wasn’t even thinking about Terrance, I was letting the full strength of my anger toward my father come ripping out my mouth, and let down a massive heavy guilt for never having made it to Wimbledon, as he had wanted of me.
The Maori don’t ask “Is this is too deep?”, they don’t lighten up if you ask. They tend to find your edge and cross it….just the right amount. When they are done, the smiles on the recipient face speaks louder than their screams. They truly are radiant, glowing, tear streaked and fresh. Afterword, we had them lay on a rug in the lawn, or walk down to the garden, where some people stay for hours, crying, meditating, or sleeping.
I am moved with the level of gratitude people express as they leave, gratitude for the Maori, for the experience, but mostly for their selves; they faced their pain, and made it through to the other side.
I wish to thank you Atarangi, Bill and Manu for blessing this home, this land, and the people here in my village. Thank you to your Elders of your village who sent you, and taught you (since you were three) of these healing arts, thank you for angels of safe travels and protection as you cross oceans again to go home.
Until next time,
Aroha Nui (love big)
For more information:
The revolution will not be Face-booked.
I thought it might, since we the people can write, post, share and “like” with each other without the approval of the media owners. Deleted posts and disappearing event- invites in the last month have changed my opinion though. I’m not sure if this is Facebook deciding certain items need to be deleted, or is this our government deciding that Facebook will be monitored and adjusted.
I am writing here, not to share my opinion of a conspiracy theory, or my thoughts on “Big Brother”, but to open up our collective conversation to “Then What?”.
Now, I love me some Facebook, but I have always thought that it’s a weakened version of what we humans are capable of doing: PSYCHIC COMMUNICATION!
I am reminded of stories and dreams about Lumuria and Atlantis. Two cultures which fell into the ocean long, long ago. It seems to me that we could talk to each other in our hearts and minds eye, without the use of cell phones. We could coordinate and gather with our world wide grid of interconnection, not the world wide inter-web which is being tracked and monitored for accurate advertising and modified searches depending on who our friends are.
Imagine with me if you would, a world where we use and trust our intuition. Our ability to send psychic messages- effortlessly woven with images, words, feelings and information. Our ability to receive messages strong, with clear reception.
It is fun to practice with loved ones, tell someone that you are going to “call” them throughout the day, and see if they can notice what time, or even what message you are telling them. Psychic skills grow stronger every time we use them, kinda like a kegel, you can’t see it, but it’s real!
Feel and vibrate! Send and receive! If Facebook gets sold, turned off, or further corrupt, they cannot take from us our sense of interconnection! If you happen to experience any of the odd tornadoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes of late, and find yourself without internet, phone, or electricity, we can still be connected.
Psychic kegal my friends and WE WILL REMAIN LINKED!
When people come to me for massage, I ask them, “Where are you needing assistance?”.
90% of the time they speak of low back or upper back/neck tightness. And almost 90% of the time, when I touch on their forearms people are shocked with how much pain, tension and tightness they are experiencing. Our forearms are our finger muscles. This is an amazing gauge of how our body is dealing with the amount of time we are spending on the computer. (Driving, delicate work with our hands, and stress show up in this area as well.)
The following 13 tones on health and your computer consist of 13 easy, efficient steps that can be comfortably integrated into your computer time. Enjoy!
1. Breath….into your heart. Often with the computer we are thinking and translating…head /hands /head /hands. The simple act of breathing deep breaths, allows oxygen to fill our heart- which relaxes the shoulders- which relaxes the arms-which relaxes the fingers. Regardless of what we are thinking, processing,writing or reading about, we all will benefit from including our heart.
2.Give thanks for your fingers. Our hands are an amazing tool that often goes unnoticed. One simple chi gung technique for hand health: rub the back of your hand, soft and vigorously. Start at the tip of your fingers and rub back and forth, taking easy deep breaths as you do. Keeping your wrist straight, continue to caress your arms up to your elbows. There is no wrong way to do this, but relax your shoulders, soften your jaw and let your eyebrows release as you proceed. Here you are warming up the blood, muscles and lymphatic fluid. 5 seconds, 30 seconds, 1 minute or 2 minutes….so next time you are reading a few paragraphs, go ahead and multi task.
3.Roll those shoulders! Set your body up so that you are balanced, hips square, spine erect. Letting your shoulders direct the speed, roll away. Personally I think the slower the better. We are aiming for blood circulation here. UP, back, forward…..and breathing…. all of this should be done nice and easy.
4. Hand circles. Pick a hand, pick a direction and roll, switch directions, and then switch hands. If you hear or feel a pop, kink, snap, twinge, or click continue to roll, only slower. Let your breath deepen, as you continue to circle your hand. The idea is that you can rotate until all is smooth and free from clicks.
5. Do the above exercise while holding your wrist, tightly. (This can be a fun exercise with someone else as well.) Gripping the wrist, firm but not pinching, roll the wrist in one direction, and then the next. Try also: hand all the way down, all the way up, all the way right, all the way left, tight fist, full open wide, and then relax. I find it nice to end this series with a gentle wrist shake.
6. Without moving from where you sit right now, notice your knees. Are they higher than your hips, equal to your hips, lower than your hips? This is key information if you find yourself sitting or driving a lot. The psoas is an amazing part of human anatomy. Please do yourself a favor and search “psoas” if you are not familiar with where it is in your body. When we are sitting, we engage the psoas more that ever. When the knees are higher than the hips we are OVEREXTENDING our psoas, which you may notice by deep low back pain, trouble standing tall, and some unconformability laying down. If you can, raise your chair, sit on a phonebook, or pillow, and get those knees an inch or two lower that your hip level.
7. Touch the top of your head. Touch your third eye. Rub your hands together and wash your face with your own Chi (energy,Qi). Our hands hold our own energy and when we fortify our eyes, mouth, ears, nose with our own hands, we can disconnect from some of the electromagnetic static which comes from our computers. Spend 1 minute warming your face, your scalp, rubbing your eyelids gently. Your brain and your body will thank you.
8.Boost your immune system! It is simple as rubbing your heart. In the middle of your chest, just below the neck, you have your Thymus. The act of moving your skin back and forth over this area, immediately helps your lymphatic fluid flow easier. Start with placing your hand on your chest, notice what you feel; cold, warm, tight, contracted? Rub in the direction of your shoulders, up and easy. If you rub too hard, you will be accessing muscle, which is fine, but missing the lymphatic fluid, which is just right below the surface, (Check out my lymphatic self-care video for more on this technique).
9.Take one finger in your hand, and hold it tightly. AND breath…… Continue with all of your fingers. Try to hold each finger anywhere from 15 seconds to 1 minute each. This is a form of Shiatsu, and greatly regenerates the meridians connected with each finger.
10.Utilize essential oils: Lavender, Ylang Ylang, Vertiver or whatever oil strikes your fancy. Take some time to find an oil that resonates with you, (you know it’s good for you when you like how it smells!). Inhale before you begin to work on the computer, or place one drop on your forehead. Breath deep and carry on!
11.STAND UP! Take 1 minute …. stand up and shake it off! Shake your hands, stomp your feet, shake your head “YES” shake your head “NO”. Breath deep as you raise your arms to the sky, and thank yourself for taking one minute for yourself.
12.Remember what is around you. Sitting squarely, feet uncrossed, slowly rotate your head to the right, be sure to keep your chin level. Slowly rotate your head to the left, eyes softly focused on the horizon. Notice where you are… Notice your breathing…. Notice the larger pattern of which you are connected too. Let this perspective support you, nourish you. It is always good to notice where you are.
13.Close your eyes….. breath…. notice how you feel. Ask your self do you need water? Do you need fresh air? Your body will ALWAYS communicate with you what it needs for health and balance. The question is, would you like to listen?
I am turning off the computer now, and going for a walk in the rain.
With an open heart,
may you be in radiant health…
A large number of people I encounter in my healing practice have a jaw that is extremely tight. Take a minute now to notice yours… is it sore? Locked? Clenched? If you touch your jaw with your fingers is it tender to the touch? Noticing the tension in our jaw can be an amazing tracking device for our stress level.
Actually, full body tension begins to release by simply bringing focus on our jaw. I find that breath naturally increases, deepening into our belly when the jaw softens. The eyebrows (which is another place that can hold hidden tension) can drop down once the jaw unclenches, which again, allows breath to deepen, especially behind the eyes.
Your jaw – also called your temporo-mandibular joints are two of the most powerful and most delicate joints in your entire body. If there is clenching, this can be felt in the neck, the base of the skull, the face. A tight jaw can create headaches, teeth grinding, even add to your stress level. Our jaw is connected with our throat chakra. What we speak, and what we withhold from expressing, is broadcasted in our voice, our body language and our breath.
Relaxing the jaw can begin as simple as with your breath: soften your lips, soften your tongue, and allow your breath to come deep into your belly. You can massage your face and ears to warm the area if you like, yet just bringing your awareness to the area is the most powerful of tools. Notice, breath, allow. Notice the tension, breath deeply into your belly, allow your jaw to soften. Allow any feelings to come to the surface as your jaw unleashes its clench. Most often there is some emotion jammed into this joint. Notice if you have any emotions which arise..anger, grief, feeling overwhelmed? Breath into this emotion, let it get larger…having it lodged into your jaw is not really helping the situation now is it? Notice, breath, and allow.
We have within each one of us our own stressometor. By paying attention to our jaw, we can stay more connected to our breath, our expression, and remain in choice about how much stress we allow to take hold of us.
The ancient glyphs and flavor of the numbers (tones) help us understand that this year is known as Rhythmic Wizard, or IX (sounded ee’sh), which means jaguar, heart.
Tone 6 (rhythmic) is all about receptivity and organic balance. Drinking truth in with our hearts, mind and body simultaneously, while receiving the amazing power of interconnection with our community, our solar system, our galaxy and beyond. Intelligence and intuition working together to create our world, remembering that Time=art.
The Rune of this year can be understood as Wizard, or Shaman, Priest or Magician. By developing our connection to the Divine, I believe we can all have within us, some flavor of this archetype. When we become torch bearers we shine light where there is blindness, vibrating love when there is great fear and separation. This is an exciting time to delve into our essence self, to be our true self, for when we allow magic to come through us, rather than conjure it and make things happen, we experience the synchronicity and awe-inspiring miracles of living on this planet in this time.
Do I believe that we are ending the world with this end of the calendar? NO, but let us go ahead and end some concepts which are destroying a fabric of life and vitality. Let us end the lack of integrity eh? Those parts of our thoughts and actions which don’t fully ring true to who we really are. Let’s let go of control, and power over others, the need for approval, and recognition. Imagine the end of Mind and Heart being out of communication from each other. Let us experience crumbling disharmony, and melting misalignment with our own heart.
Remaining transparent… with an open heart, I pray you have the most amazing journey this year as we head toward the Winter Solstice 12-21-12, into where the some real excitement is going to happen….2013! (More on this later.)
Brightest of Blessings
Throughout time, many have seen the number 13 as the KEY TO TIME itself.
Wise people everywhere have noticed that there are 13 full moons in one year, 13 major joints in the body: ankles, knees, hips, wrists, elbows, shoulders and neck, and there are many plants which grow in rhythms of 13 (pineapple, pussy willow etc.), A Mayan’s week was thirteen days long. You can see why working within this sacred geometry might aid and align us with our true nature and radiant health.
My hope with 13 Tones is to guide, encourage, empower and remind you that the heaven on earth is here for us!
I wish to spark gratitude in honoring interconnection of all life, and to offer spiritual and psychic support to those becoming increasingly aware that we are connected around the universe with animal, plant, mineral, spirit, and planetary elements. With 13 Tones, I wish to assist you awakening into deep clarity, by becoming your authentic self.
13 Tones is constantly formulating seasonal products, created from the richest of earth’s knowledge, woven with the ancient number wisdom of the Mayan. Discover an adventure in alchemy, where you can conduct energy with intention and focus. Great for children who are intuitive, artistic, as well as the budding scientist. Children have been making flower water and rock soup for centuries!!!
Flowers hold blueprints, while gem elixirs are encyclopedias of earth’s information.
The act of infusing petals and stones in water with sunlight, creates earth’s own medicine. All of our flower essences and Gem Elixirs are homemade, wildcrafted or created from gardens in Gainesville Florida, using Florida spring water, and preserved in organic alcohol.
However you spritz, rub, dab, or apply these collections of 13 Tones vibrational alchemy, I hope you experience etheric support and energetic cleansing!
This site is a collection of prayers, thoughts, and magic spells that has flourished throughout my 24 years of practicing within the healing arts.
I invite you to explore simple and ancient tools for well-being, from here in this alchemystical garden of poetry and recipes:
May your vibration be fully toned! May you dwell in your authentic happiness today!
Brightest of blessings,